i must admit that FATS was right all along. a colloquium including dr.
o. lang, dr. b. agronk (the orcologist), several other noted tolkien
scholars who wish to remain anonymous, and myself, has, regrettably,
established that their contention that christopher tolkien is evil is
correct.
b. agronk has demonstrated that CT was, in fact, the spawn of morgoth,
who appeared to tolkien and said: "i promise you'll get this book of a
short guy living in a hole published, if you adopt my son and raise
him as your own!" (we have the tapes.) (also, although he keeps them
well-shaved, CT has horns.)
some of you may already know that CT began interfering with the plot
of HOBBIT quite young, saying things like, "*you* said throin's hatwas
blue, but now you say it's silver!" but in fact, this meddling began
when CT was born, or possibly even earlier.(*) when he was born, he
kicked his foot around as a sign that he wanted to write footnotes.
soon, he was whispering horrible things from his crib,like "have you
organized celebrimbor's family tree yet?" or "spell it /m-o-r-t-h-o-n-
d/! and drop the adultery subplot."
later, CT took to threatening tolkien if he tried to publish anything
displeasing to him and his dark Master. only the tolkien family vault,
hidden in an oxford pub, preserves some of tolkien's genuine, un-
christopherized manuscripts, produced furtively under the bedsheets,
while tolkien lived in dread that even edith's grin concealed dark
designs.
a few codd references to the menace may be found in LOTR. for example,
o. lang has hown that old man willow is an anagram of "christopher" in
an elvish dialect; but CT burned the only existing essay about this
dialect.
CT's agents will, no doubt, try to kill us for uttering these truths;
but we must not let that stop us. we must go boldly forward, joining
with FATS in their crusade against evil. i propose anew alliance with
FATS: the FATS-rogsylvanian anti-christopherite treaty of united
resource engagement.
we will still not wor****p dr. m. udunvagor; but we are willing to
consider him a highly esteemed and unjustly vilified colleague.
(*)there are suggestions that while CT was "in the womb" (forsooth! in
the coven, more like it), tolkien was find weird thoughts of unknown
provenance force their way into his terror-stricken mind: things like
"must...write...new...diagram of the elvish languages."
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