I feel so low. I feel old, as Bilbo from The Lord of the Rings put it.
Stretched. I'm only 29 and I feel as though my life is over now. Not
in the way of taking my own life. Just that I have experienced all
that I can. I now berry my head in Books and Play Computer games.
Escapism with out drugs now.
When I look back on my life I find that is how I have always been. I
don't know how to get out of it, is it bad, is it?
Sometimes my attempts at escape through what ever means has a
detrimental effect on my life and it's responsibilities. I don't know
if I can take it. When will the suffering end. Yes the anti-
depressants and anti-psychotics certainly help me function. Underneath
though is a very depressed and sad, borderline psychotic person.
I have made it my quest in life to find a cure. The meds are not a
cure, they are a raft that's all and not a very well built one at
that. I'm still looking for that cure. I'm reading The Great and
Secret Show by Clive Barker. I feel like the Jaff searching for The
Art. And Fletcher trying to find the light in this dark and bleak
world.
Is anyone close to finding the cure. Has anyone ever really, ever,
recovered from mental illness! Or is it an affliction I need to deal
with for the rest of my life?
Where do I look, where to next? Psychiatrists? No they just fill the
prescription. CBT? Tried that, my mind is too stubborn. Religion don't
get me started, to much choice, to much crap. I have just taken my
beliefs from a little of every religion.
Alternative health? Diets? I'm currently trying to detox from
cigarettes. Is this causing my feelings of depression and despair?
Having an arsehole of a father-in-law doesn't help. Now my job is
getting me down.
All in all I feel like retreating back into my own head. Back to the
UK and my parents who after 15 years of denying my schizophrenia
illness have accepted it.
Here's the rub, I now have kids and my emotional attachment to them
keeps me where I am, but suffering. I feel they need a Dad. Although
another rub is I sometimes don't think I'm good enough.
Where oh where is the cure? There must be one. I shall find it one day
and share it with all. Although I think that perhaps we all require
our own individual cure. When I find it? Who knows.
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